Homesick - pining for the fiords

Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me...
What are you doing here?
Finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear.

I'm pining for the fiords. It's the last chance this year to see the Norwegian Blue before they head South to Africa or where ever. I fancy migrating birds.



A delegation of the Hotel Developments ornithologists association recently visited the Norwegian fiords to study the Norwegian Blue. Among all the locations they even visited a gas platform in the North Sea. The hotel's organization is very modern and internationally oriented with all main functions included a Head of Protocol. The Head of Protocol has decided that all Heads of other Heads shall travel in closed carriages on long overland travels in rural areas. Heads shall travel in open carriages. In urban areas Heads of Heads may well prefer to travel in open black carriages if the weather is nice and the sun is shining.



The Hotel has initiated an open prequalification among carriage manufacturers with experience of delivering open carriages to Kings and other Big Heads with the purpose of purchasing two new corporate carriages preferably with a throne type rear seat.



Some of you is staying and this could be an excellent September weekend in Moscow.

Yoohoo - it's the gasmen and dishwashers day

This weekend we are celebrating the gasmen and the dishwasher's day. The Oil and Gas Industry celebrate the oil-and gasmen. In the Hotel Business we celebrate the dishwashers. Imagine that without the natural gas the food had been cold and without those brave men and women washing dishes you would be eating on dirty plates. I celebrated with a bunch of other dishwashers, a big pot of boiled sheep and cabbage and too much Aquavit. It's Ramadan, but we drew the curtains and started before the sun set.

Early morning without warning
Woke me with a scare
I had that dream again
That the sun was dead

May be it was too much Gammel Reserve?

Gammel Reserve is a mix of Løitens Linie, Lysholms Linie and Gammel Opland. It's only missing some Siemers (burned twice)!

Manuel was the main speaker at our celebration. He's a splendid guy:

On behalf of collective of The Dishwashing division of The Hotel New Development and from myself personally I congratulate you on our professional holiday – Day of the worker of the hotel industry and specially all dishwashers!
It is a holiday of real masters of the business, professionals, brave people, able to overcome the most improbable barriers and to decide the challenges. From the bottom of the heart I wish you prosperity, responsible partners and economic stability in Russia and all over the world, and may our cooperation be stronger!
I wish you and your relatives health, happiness and well-being!

The girls were told to go home early Friday; courtesy of Mr Fawlty, of course. It's hard to be a woman here at the Hotel. Leaving office at 1 pm allows her to shop sausages, beer and vodka; before he arrives home.

Meet me in the summertime. Pearly lips and cherry wine. Moonshine in your hair. Just keep staring at the sun.

Me, I'm doing fine, but still missing a small car. Some of the guys around here got really big cars. I just need a small one, but can only dream.

On the efficient usage of toilets

Last week was another quiet week in Moscow. Changing, but nice weather. Good for walking last weekend. Not much traffic early in the morning.



Got a good shot of my favourite motiv.



This week the hotel management decided that guests and employees shall use doors when entering or leaving the hotel. A Norwegian guest climbing out of a window was reported by an English gentleman. The hotel security department will ensure that this will not be possible in the future. A special secret order has been issued by the secret security department. It says that the hotel building have doors that shall be used when entering and leaving the building. That goes for Santa Claus as well. The doors are monitored by advanced electronic devices as well as security personnel.

Our hotel are focusing cost cutting these days. A task force led by Manuel has recommended to target energy consumption, unecessary use of colors and the latest initiative is on the use of toilet paper and flush water. Potential savings are at least 30% of the costs related to savings identifcation, research and follow up.

Уважаемые работники компании «Oтел Девелопмент»!

В связи с планируемым проведением замеров туалета нашим «Oтел» просим Вас 01.09.2009 года:

• работающих на 1-ом и 2-ом этажах в 11-00 до 12-30: пойдите к туалетам в свою очередь.


• работающих на 3-ем и 4-ом этажах в 11-30 до 13-00: пойдите к туалетам в свою очередь.


• работающих на 1-ом, 2-ом, 3-ем и 4-ом этажах в 15-00 до 16:30: пойдите к туалетам в свою очередь.

Стойка в линии для того чтобы во избежание задержки!

Dear Hotel Employees!

Due to scheduled toilet utilisation measurements, please be advised to act as follows on September 1, 2009:

• For employees working on the 1st and 2nd floors - from 11.00 to 12.30 visit the toilets in turn.


• For employees working on the 3rd and 4th floors - from 11.30 to 12.30 visit the toilets in turn.


• For employees working on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th floors - from 15.00 to 16.30 visit the toilets in turn.

Organise a proper que to avoid delays!

Manuel

Head of Many Departments

Late Friday afternoon rumors said that Manuel (from Barcelona) has suggested to close all toilets and offer the option of refunding the cost of using one of the pay per visit one's at the near by metro station (provided you've got a receipt, of course). According to our friend people will think twice before walking 10 min to visit a toilet.



Metro station toilets could be good business. Kolkata (Calcutta), "The City of Joy", has a working metro system that shuts down in heavy rain. Like they have this time of the year with Monsun winds, 30 deg and thunder storms. It's a different and exiting city. If you are tired of the Hotel Development and want to start your own business, reply to this:

2 toilets, Near Bansdroni Metro Station For Sale

Location : South Kolkata - Tollygunge

Smoothly communicable, every thing available from the market near by, south-north-west open, very airy, full of light .

Contact : R K Basu

Mobile : 9836113338

Address : 280 Nathpara, Brahmapur, Kolkata 700084, Beside SBI Brahmapur

I've been to this place and it's a good location. Fortunately, on my travels in India there was never an urgent need.



Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me...
What are you doing here?
Finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear.

No colors anymore - I want them to turn black

Last week was a quiet week here in Moscow.

I see a red door and I want it painted black.
No colors anymore I want them to turn black.

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes. I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black.



I look inside myself and see my heart is black. I see my red door and it has been painted black.



Our energy saving campaign has been very successful. The never resting hotel management recently launched a new research program on the use of colors. Manuel, our brilliant friend from Barcelona, was heading the program showing excellent leadership. "There are too many colors"; Manuel said, before writing a new order to be signed by the hotel management.

With a view of consumables saving and efficient utilization of color printers in the Hotel premises I Give an Order:

1. To the Heads of all Hotel Departments:
   Ensure efficient utilization of paper and color printers. Preparation and copying of the presentation materials for the workshops should be made by using black-and-white printers in the right quantities only. Color printers should be used only in accordance with the instruction provided by the managers of structural subdivisions.
   


2. Information transfer to another company should be executed only by using CD-discs (or smoke signals), without USB Flash-Card.
   


3. Heads of Hotel Departments shall be charged with supervising;
   
   - office operating and employees work place conditions;
   
   Manuel Jose Milde Jesus Corcorcaedu, Head of Printing and Shredding Department, shall be charged with supervising;
   
   - efficient utilization of color printers
   
   Signed
   
   Hotel Director
   
   B Fawlty
   

Here in town autumn is sneaking in on us. Each morning brings more leaves in the streets. Soon colors will be gone and it's black or gray. Even the snow will be grayish and we'll walk around in black slush.

Until then we can enjoy nice squares and parks while it's still time. Visit VDNkH or the All Union Exhibition Center from 1937 with its beautiful gold covered fountain. The pavilions used to display communisms latest and greatest achievements. To day you'll find small shops.



As Mr Fawlty once said; "Colors, bloody colors", before finishing the refrain for the new song recorded for the hotels anniversary (his secret dream is to compete with the Gazprom and StatoilHydro songs at the yearly "How bad can it be?" show);

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

Save, save, save..energy, water and MONEY

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, you were talking so brave and so sweet.

Most of our departments are now back in business and in full swing. Our friends in the Silly Walks Division of the General Services, Parking and Walking Department are still very silly.

The Energy Division of the Energy, Water and Sewage Department has been very busy mapping energy usage in the entire hotel.

You may have seen it before; “Take responsibility for the Environment. Use towels more than once. Don’t waste water. Save the Earth – YOU can make a difference!” and other cover up’s for saving money. Be green!

Giving me head on the unmade bed, while the limousines wait in the street. Those were the reasons and that was New York.

Energy costs are increasing in Russia. Natural gas prices are down and the cost of electricity will be increased to compensate. Yes, this is logical. At least in this part of the world where "Things are just like home, but very different". It's well described in Pareto's fifth theorem showing how the wealthy 20% of the population make sure that the poorer 80% always use all their money to make the 20% richer.

We were running for the money and the flesh, and that was called love for the workers in song and probably still is for those of them left.

Our management, well known for their bravery, has once again has taken some really brave decisions backed by detailed research. One of their previous brave action was letting "a beautiful blond woman" speak on behalf of the management in a meeting. You could wonder if they don't know what blonde's are for.

1. Heads of all hotel organization units shall assure control over efficient use of electric power (table lamps, PCs, printers, lights, conditioners). At the end of each business day all of the above mentioned sources of power consumption in working and conference rooms shall be switched off.
2. Heads of business units and employees in charge of negotiation agreements shall be administrative liable for non-compliance with power saving policy requirements.
3. All parties concerned shall be acquainted with this Order.
4. Duty to monitor the performance of this Order shall be imposed on Head of Energy and Sewage Division, Mr. Manuel from Barcelona.

Signed

B. Faulty

This is an excellent example for most corporations. People at Paveletskaya sq, Forus, Vækerø, Paris and Bergen all says; "YES, let's do it?! It's the Financial Crisis, remember, and we all need to contribute in saving money!"

Ah, but you got away, didn't you babe, you just turned your back on the crowd!

Here's your opportunity to make a contribution to fight the Global Warming or the Financial Crisis. Your first step is to measure consumption.

Feel free to use our well proven plan. Adjust as needed. Don't quote your source.

First exercise:

Due to scheduled power consumption measurements, please be advised to act as follows on September 1st, 2009:
• For employees working on the 1st and 2nd floors - from 11:00 to 12:30 switch on and leave switched on electric light, air conditioners, and PCs in all rooms.
• For employees working on the 3rd and 4th floors - from 11:30 to 12:30 switch on and leave switched on electric light, air conditioners, and PCs in all rooms

Second exercise:

Due to scheduled power consumption measurements, please be advised to act as follows on September 2nd, 2009:
• For employees working on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th floors - from 15:00 to 16:30 switch on electric light, air conditioners, and PCs in all rooms.

Third exercise:

Due to scheduled power consumption measurements, please be advised that all guests on 5th floor should stay in their rooms between 15:00 and 16:30 hrs and act as follows on September 3rd, 2009:
• Guests living on the 5th floor - from 15.00 to 16.30 switch on electric light, air conditioners, hair dryers, TVs, and personal laptops in all rooms.


This may not fit for your case, but in general people work on 1st to 4th floors and 5th floor and above are guests and management.

You fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind, we are ugly but we have the music."

And then you got away, didn't you babe...

And we are all proud and convinced that one day we will win the Best Hotels Award for innovation.

Welcome to our hotel!



I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel.
That's all, and I don't even think of you that often!
But I have to say - are YOU the one logging on from Hollywood?



And by the way, who the hell is logging on from Arlington, Virginia? As far as I know, that's where the CIA is located! Stay away guys!

Family, Love and Fidelity Day

It has been a quiet week in Lake Wobeggon as well as in Moscow. Midsummer is behind us, moving towards fall, and some of us long for the start of the "rakfisk" and "lutefisk" season. Some look forward to the hunting season to secure traditional meals based on patience and sweat. While we wait, we'll have to endure vacation and summer.

Summer can be hectic at a hotel like ours. It's not only this year's guests, contracts and preparations for next year need to be in place before we can be pining for the fiords.

Our Silly Walks Department, our Parking Department and the Division responsible for sending out insane messages are all closed for the summer. This is a problem for the blog editor since their work has been the basis for this blog. However, the blog must go on and fortunately there are substitutes.

Rumours say that the FSB (KGB) has increased their honey trap activities. Be warned! Recently a video with this unfortunate UK diplomat and two girls was posted on the internet under the title "The adventures of Mr. Hudson in Russia". The diplomat resigned and the FSB pretends to be upset by accusations that it's their footage. He's divorced and this story has no implications on his civil status.

The main event last week was the Obama visit and not the adventures of Mr. Hudson. On the other side of the river, the nabour had a party for the Obama's.



Last year the First Lady, Svetlana Medvedeva, snapped her be-ringed and manicured fingers and decided that July 8th should be celebrated as the "Day of Family, Love and Fidelity" symbolized by cheesy pop concerts and daisies. You should have taught that most people would have forgotten, but this week daisy banners was rigged up on Tverskaya and elsewhere.



They could have been for the Obama's visiting, but the Obama's left for Italy together with Dmitry. The daysies was to remind of the "Day of Family, Love and Fidelity". Was it irony when she spoke of family values? I've heard it before - have you? Isn't the family value thing © of rightwing Republicans and KrF. In Italy her hubby Dmitry was posing with his pal Silvio currently struggling hard to be a family man. The First Lady is indeed very modest with limited income and wearing expensive jewellery and the latest fashion as well as long nails with a pearly manicure and carefully done hair almost as she had been to a "Hair and Nails" shop in Houston or L.A.



Unfortunately her new day is not the kind of holiday qualifying for a day off from work.

This weekend the nabour on the other side of the river was not home.



This morning I woke up to the bells of my closest nabour, Tserkov Svyatovo Klimenta or Church of St Clement. St Clement is a splendid baroque church by the Italian architect Pietro Antonio Trezzini dating back to 1720 with a rectory and belfry from the 1750's. The red and white church has four blue domes with golden stars and a fifth golden cupola in the middle. Last October it was wrapped in and isolated. Work has continued through the winter and now it's being unwrapped.

My 2007 guidebook says; "Unfortunately, the church has been unsafe to enter for some years and it is unlikely that it will reopen in the near future". Now, it's open! The church has a small shop selling traditional decorated bread and honey.



A few hundred meters to the West I see Tserkov Bogomateri Vsekh Skorbyshchikh Radost or "Church of the Consolation of All Sorrows". This church was built after the great fire in 1812. Further to the West is Tserkov Voskreseniya v Kadashakh or "Church of the Resurrection in Kadashi" from 1687 with its golden cupolas.

I long for having and driving a car. It doesn't need to be a big car. Two seats will do for me. All kind of people drive cars, even those women whose husbands bought their driving licenses and cars as a birthday presents. A car with a driver is not a real option. This car issue is about risk and reward. As always in life there is a relation between the risk you take and the reward you get. If you stay away from risks your rewards will be minimal unless your name is Gladstone Gander.

If I had a car, and if I had a girlfriend, (and YES I have a very good one), I would ask her; "My girl, would you like to go to Yasnaya Polyana this weekend". She would say; "Yes, I will - haven't been there for years." Maybe Mr. Levin or Leo himself is home?

If it was a convertible, her hair was blowing in the wind as we were driving South towards Tula.

As we drive cornfields and herds of grassing cows fills us with joy. We are free - free to roam. Then I realize the hotel is waiting and it's up early tomorrow morning. The dream is over and fortunately the Metro will be running.

Travels, bloody travels!

How to significantly reduce travel costs without investing in costly video conference rooms could be today's subtitle.

The answer is simple and clear; by making travel preparations, execution and reporting as painful as possible.



The basic principle is old fashioned Soviet-communist suspicion. Controlling and observing was once decent professions. I once saw a CV where the role "Chief Observer" was an important past experience. Did you say adding value? No, that was not part of the plan. So, what do we do? We fill out forms - not one form, but forms.
The principle is simple; If I shall travel to Paris or somewhere else, I have to fill out a form requesting our CEO(!) to send me on a mission to where ever. This has to be filled out in English and Russian. The translation normally takes from one to two days. The Russian translation is important since none in our international, modern hotel development's HR department speaks or read English. The hotel should have hired more old fashioned spys with experience from London, Paris, New York or Longyearbyen and not these local informers. So I get an order to travel on a special mission to somewhere. Our travel department issues hotel vouchers and airline tickets. Business class hopefully!

Then I can dream of taking off.



Friction lock - set
Mixture - rich
Propellers - fully forward
Flaps - set - 10 degrees
Engine gauges and suction - check

Mixture set to maximum percent - recheck
Flight instruments...
Altimeters - check both
Navigation lights - on
Strobes - on

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings,
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything,
No navigator to guide my way home,
A soul in tension that's learning to fly.

You confirm - Alpha Victory ready for departure - and wake up. It's time to make porridge for breakfast and off to yet another day at work.

A dream unthreatened by the morning light,
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night.



You get used to it. If you put a frog into a big pot, he will swim around. If you light a fire under the big pot, the frog will still swim around feeling comfortable. The water gets warmer, he's still happy and sort of indifferent. As the water gets warmer and warmer, the frog gets more and more indifferent or careless and finally the water boils. The lady at the local market calls out; "Frogs! Frogs! Freshly cooked frogs!".

If my mission is to Paris the two most important things are to keep the boarding pass from the flights and to get a stamped and signed note from the company visited stating that I actually visited and not frequented bars, cabarets and casinos.

Russians are experts on rubber stamps. The most important is the round stamp - you have to have special permission from the ministry to acquire a round stamp. Only seals are superior to round stamps. One of the Ivan's used seal lacquer with eagle feathers for the most important documents. The phrase - By my seal and feathers - is widely used today and originates from those days. The next in line is the triangular stamp. If you run a business, you have to apply to local authorities to have a triangular stamp. Square stamps like "Rett kopi bevitnes" can be ordered through the local rubber stamp shops. Even a small town with a few thousand inhabitants will have at least one rubber stamp shop.

Rubber stamps should only be given to responsible adults. As a kid I stamped my mothers anatomy and physiology text books with red and blue pig and sheep stamps. She laughed for weeks.
SH should buy fancy rubber stamps to be used in case of visits from the Hotel Development. A pink pig or pony rubber stamp or maybe a moose and a note - "This is the only stamp we have" - would have been great way of confirming a meeting.



Or - Why not get the seal of the former CCCP? One internet dealer says;

Our Seal Of The Soviet Union rubber stamps are durable and ready to provide years of trouble free use. With an easy grip handle, the rubber used holds just the right amount of ink to brand your documents. Priced at a very affordable cost, these official rubber stamps are a must have. With an image measurement of 2 1/8-inches x 1 7/8-inch, this stamp is sure to be noticed. Don’t let your pages go bare any longer. Order your very own Seal Of The Soviet Union Rubber Stamp today!



That won't work today. Get yourself a self inking stamp from the famous GRM stamp factory sold through Alibaba.com. In a country full of Alibaba's someone actually called their company Alibaba. Amazing! Here you can get the most complicated designs. Not like the moose from a hobby shop in Norway.



By the way - I've sent in my application for vacation. Three forms was all. It's only three weeks this time. Wonder how I can get the remaining 25 days? Resigning, and moving, maybe.