Saturday, August 22, 2009

No colors anymore - I want them to turn black

Last week was a quiet week here in Moscow.

I see a red door and I want it painted black.
No colors anymore I want them to turn black.

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes. I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black.



I look inside myself and see my heart is black. I see my red door and it has been painted black.



Our energy saving campaign has been very successful. The never resting hotel management recently launched a new research program on the use of colors. Manuel, our brilliant friend from Barcelona, was heading the program showing excellent leadership. "There are too many colors"; Manuel said, before writing a new order to be signed by the hotel management.

With a view of consumables saving and efficient utilization of color printers in the Hotel premises I Give an Order:



  1. To the Heads of all Hotel Departments:
    Ensure efficient utilization of paper and color printers. Preparation and copying of the presentation materials for the workshops should be made by using black-and-white printers in the right quantities only. Color printers should be used only in accordance with the instruction provided by the managers of structural subdivisions.

  2. Information transfer to another company should be executed only by using CD-discs (or smoke signals), without USB Flash-Card.

  3. Heads of Hotel Departments shall be charged with supervising;

    - office operating and employees work place conditions;

    Manuel Jose Milde Jesus Corcorcaedu, Head of Printing and Shredding Department, shall be charged with supervising;

    - efficient utilization of color printers

    Signed

    Hotel Director

    B Fawlty

Here in town autumn is sneaking in on us. Each morning brings more leaves in the streets. Soon colors will be gone and it's black or gray. Even the snow will be grayish and we'll walk around in black slush.

Until then we can enjoy nice squares and parks while it's still time. Visit VDNkH or the All Union Exhibition Center from 1937 with its beautiful gold covered fountain. The pavilions used to display communisms latest and greatest achievements. To day you'll find small shops.



As Mr Fawlty once said; "Colors, bloody colors", before finishing the refrain for the new song recorded for the hotels anniversary (his secret dream is to compete with the Gazprom and StatoilHydro songs at the yearly "How bad can it be?" show);



I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Save, save, save..energy, water and MONEY

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, you were talking so brave and so sweet.

Most of our departments are now back in business and in full swing. Our friends in the Silly Walks Division of the General Services, Parking and Walking Department are still very silly.

The Energy Division of the Energy, Water and Sewage Department has been very busy mapping energy usage in the entire hotel.

You may have seen it before; “Take responsibility for the Environment. Use towels more than once. Don’t waste water. Save the Earth – YOU can make a difference!” and other cover up’s for saving money. Be green!

Giving me head on the unmade bed, while the limousines wait in the street. Those were the reasons and that was New York.

Energy costs are increasing in Russia. Natural gas prices are down and the cost of electricity will be increased to compensate. Yes, this is logical. At least in this part of the world where "Things are just like home, but very different". It's well described in Pareto's fifth theorem showing how the wealthy 20% of the population make sure that the poorer 80% always use all their money to make the 20% richer.

We were running for the money and the flesh, and that was called love for the workers in song and probably still is for those of them left.

Our management, well known for their bravery, has once again has taken some really brave decisions backed by detailed research. One of their previous brave action was letting "a beautiful blond woman" speak on behalf of the management in a meeting. You could wonder if they don't know what blonde's are for.

1. Heads of all hotel organization units shall assure control over efficient use of electric power (table lamps, PCs, printers, lights, conditioners). At the end of each business day all of the above mentioned sources of power consumption in working and conference rooms shall be switched off.
2. Heads of business units and employees in charge of negotiation agreements shall be administrative liable for non-compliance with power saving policy requirements.
3. All parties concerned shall be acquainted with this Order.
4. Duty to monitor the performance of this Order shall be imposed on Head of Energy and Sewage Division, Mr. Manuel from Barcelona.


Signed

B. Faulty

This is an excellent example for most corporations. People at Paveletskaya sq, Forus, Vækerø, Paris and Bergen all says; "YES, let's do it?! It's the Financial Crisis, remember, and we all need to contribute in saving money!"

Ah, but you got away, didn't you babe, you just turned your back on the crowd!

Here's your opportunity to make a contribution to fight the Global Warming or the Financial Crisis. Your first step is to measure consumption.

Feel free to use our well proven plan. Adjust as needed. Don't quote your source.

First exercise:

Due to scheduled power consumption measurements, please be advised to act as follows on September 1st, 2009:
• For employees working on the 1st and 2nd floors - from 11:00 to 12:30 switch on and leave switched on electric light, air conditioners, and PCs in all rooms.
• For employees working on the 3rd and 4th floors - from 11:30 to 12:30 switch on and leave switched on electric light, air conditioners, and PCs in all rooms

Second exercise:

Due to scheduled power consumption measurements, please be advised to act as follows on September 2nd, 2009:
• For employees working on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th floors - from 15:00 to 16:30 switch on electric light, air conditioners, and PCs in all rooms.

Third exercise:

Due to scheduled power consumption measurements, please be advised that all guests on 5th floor should stay in their rooms between 15:00 and 16:30 hrs and act as follows on September 3rd, 2009:
• Guests living on the 5th floor - from 15.00 to 16.30 switch on electric light, air conditioners, hair dryers, TVs, and personal laptops in all rooms.


This may not fit for your case, but in general people work on 1st to 4th floors and 5th floor and above are guests and management.

You fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind, we are ugly but we have the music."

And then you got away, didn't you babe...

And we are all proud and convinced that one day we will win the Best Hotels Award for innovation.

Welcome to our hotel!



I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel.
That's all, and I don't even think of you that often!
But I have to say - are YOU the one logging on from Hollywood?



And by the way, who the hell is logging on from Arlington, Virginia? As far as I know, that's where the CIA is located! Stay away guys!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Family, Love and Fidelity Day

It has been a quiet week in Lake Wobeggon as well as in Moscow. Midsummer is behind us, moving towards fall, and some of us long for the start of the "rakfisk" and "lutefisk" season. Some look forward to the hunting season to secure traditional meals based on patience and sweat. While we wait, we'll have to endure vacation and summer.

Summer can be hectic at a hotel like ours. It's not only this year's guests, contracts and preparations for next year need to be in place before we can be pining for the fiords.

Our Silly Walks Department, our Parking Department and the Division responsible for sending out insane messages are all closed for the summer. This is a problem for the blog editor since their work has been the basis for this blog. However, the blog must go on and fortunately there are substitutes.

Rumours say that the FSB (KGB) has increased their honey trap activities. Be warned! Recently a video with this unfortunate UK diplomat and two girls was posted on the internet under the title "The adventures of Mr. Hudson in Russia". The diplomat resigned and the FSB pretends to be upset by accusations that it's their footage. He's divorced and this story has no implications on his civil status.

The main event last week was the Obama visit and not the adventures of Mr. Hudson. On the other side of the river, the nabour had a party for the Obama's.



Last year the First Lady, Svetlana Medvedeva, snapped her be-ringed and manicured fingers and decided that July 8th should be celebrated as the "Day of Family, Love and Fidelity" symbolized by cheesy pop concerts and daisies. You should have taught that most people would have forgotten, but this week daisy banners was rigged up on Tverskaya and elsewhere.



They could have been for the Obama's visiting, but the Obama's left for Italy together with Dmitry. The daysies was to remind of the "Day of Family, Love and Fidelity". Was it irony when she spoke of family values? I've heard it before - have you? Isn't the family value thing © of rightwing Republicans and KrF. In Italy her hubby Dmitry was posing with his pal Silvio currently struggling hard to be a family man. The First Lady is indeed very modest with limited income and wearing expensive jewellery and the latest fashion as well as long nails with a pearly manicure and carefully done hair almost as she had been to a "Hair and Nails" shop in Houston or L.A.



Unfortunately her new day is not the kind of holiday qualifying for a day off from work.

This weekend the nabour on the other side of the river was not home.



This morning I woke up to the bells of my closest nabour, Tserkov Svyatovo Klimenta or Church of St Clement. St Clement is a splendid baroque church by the Italian architect Pietro Antonio Trezzini dating back to 1720 with a rectory and belfry from the 1750's. The red and white church has four blue domes with golden stars and a fifth golden cupola in the middle. Last October it was wrapped in and isolated. Work has continued through the winter and now it's being unwrapped.

My 2007 guidebook says; "Unfortunately, the church has been unsafe to enter for some years and it is unlikely that it will reopen in the near future". Now, it's open! The church has a small shop selling traditional decorated bread and honey.



A few hundred meters to the West I see Tserkov Bogomateri Vsekh Skorbyshchikh Radost or "Church of the Consolation of All Sorrows". This church was built after the great fire in 1812. Further to the West is Tserkov Voskreseniya v Kadashakh or "Church of the Resurrection in Kadashi" from 1687 with its golden cupolas.

I long for having and driving a car. It doesn't need to be a big car. Two seats will do for me. All kind of people drive cars, even those women whose husbands bought their driving licenses and cars as a birthday presents. A car with a driver is not a real option. This car issue is about risk and reward. As always in life there is a relation between the risk you take and the reward you get. If you stay away from risks your rewards will be minimal unless your name is Gladstone Gander.

If I had a car, and if I had a girlfriend, (and YES I have a very good one), I would ask her; "My girl, would you like to go to Yasnaya Polyana this weekend". She would say; "Yes, I will - haven't been there for years." Maybe Mr. Levin or Leo himself is home?

If it was a convertible, her hair was blowing in the wind as we were driving South towards Tula.

As we drive cornfields and herds of grassing cows fills us with joy. We are free - free to roam. Then I realize the hotel is waiting and it's up early tomorrow morning. The dream is over and fortunately the Metro will be running.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Travels, bloody travels!

How to significantly reduce travel costs without investing in costly video conference rooms could be today's subtitle.

The answer is simple and clear; by making travel preparations, execution and reporting as painful as possible.



The basic principle is old fashioned Soviet-communist suspicion. Controlling and observing was once decent professions. I once saw a CV where the role "Chief Observer" was an important past experience. Did you say adding value? No, that was not part of the plan. So, what do we do? We fill out forms - not one form, but forms.
The principle is simple; If I shall travel to Paris or somewhere else, I have to fill out a form requesting our CEO(!) to send me on a mission to where ever. This has to be filled out in English and Russian. The translation normally takes from one to two days. The Russian translation is important since none in our international, modern hotel development's HR department speaks or read English. The hotel should have hired more old fashioned spys with experience from London, Paris, New York or Longyearbyen and not these local informers. So I get an order to travel on a special mission to somewhere. Our travel department issues hotel vouchers and airline tickets. Business class hopefully!

Then I can dream of taking off.



Friction lock - set
Mixture - rich
Propellers - fully forward
Flaps - set - 10 degrees
Engine gauges and suction - check

Mixture set to maximum percent - recheck
Flight instruments...
Altimeters - check both
Navigation lights - on
Strobes - on


Ice is forming on the tips of my wings,
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything,
No navigator to guide my way home,
A soul in tension that's learning to fly.

You confirm - Alpha Victory ready for departure - and wake up. It's time to make porridge for breakfast and off to yet another day at work.

A dream unthreatened by the morning light,
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night.



You get used to it. If you put a frog into a big pot, he will swim around. If you light a fire under the big pot, the frog will still swim around feeling comfortable. The water gets warmer, he's still happy and sort of indifferent. As the water gets warmer and warmer, the frog gets more and more indifferent or careless and finally the water boils. The lady at the local market calls out; "Frogs! Frogs! Freshly cooked frogs!".

If my mission is to Paris the two most important things are to keep the boarding pass from the flights and to get a stamped and signed note from the company visited stating that I actually visited and not frequented bars, cabarets and casinos.

Russians are experts on rubber stamps. The most important is the round stamp - you have to have special permission from the ministry to acquire a round stamp. Only seals are superior to round stamps. One of the Ivan's used seal lacquer with eagle feathers for the most important documents. The phrase - By my seal and feathers - is widely used today and originates from those days. The next in line is the triangular stamp. If you run a business, you have to apply to local authorities to have a triangular stamp. Square stamps like "Rett kopi bevitnes" can be ordered through the local rubber stamp shops. Even a small town with a few thousand inhabitants will have at least one rubber stamp shop.

Rubber stamps should only be given to responsible adults. As a kid I stamped my mothers anatomy and physiology text books with red and blue pig and sheep stamps. She laughed for weeks.
SH should buy fancy rubber stamps to be used in case of visits from the Hotel Development. A pink pig or pony rubber stamp or maybe a moose and a note - "This is the only stamp we have" - would have been great way of confirming a meeting.



Or - Why not get the seal of the former CCCP? One internet dealer says;

Our Seal Of The Soviet Union rubber stamps are durable and ready to provide years of trouble free use. With an easy grip handle, the rubber used holds just the right amount of ink to brand your documents. Priced at a very affordable cost, these official rubber stamps are a must have. With an image measurement of 2 1/8-inches x 1 7/8-inch, this stamp is sure to be noticed. Don’t let your pages go bare any longer. Order your very own Seal Of The Soviet Union Rubber Stamp today!



That won't work today. Get yourself a self inking stamp from the famous GRM stamp factory sold through Alibaba.com. In a country full of Alibaba's someone actually called their company Alibaba. Amazing! Here you can get the most complicated designs. Not like the moose from a hobby shop in Norway.



By the way - I've sent in my application for vacation. Three forms was all. It's only three weeks this time. Wonder how I can get the remaining 25 days? Resigning, and moving, maybe.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Welcome to the new Hotel Development

A year ago in New Mexico - on a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair - warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air. Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light. I was looking for a new job and someone asked me to travel East. My head was heavy and my sight was dim. I said, yes, why not, and I travelled East. I had to stop for the night - at Aurora.

The next day I headed for Lesteva and the Hotel Development. I was not on the list and they would not let me in. But suddenly, there she stood in the doorway - I heard the mission bell - and I was thinking to myself, this could be heaven or this could be hell. Her name was Katia and she knew I was coming. Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way to the fourth floor.



There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel Development,
Such a lovely place!
There was not plenty of room at the Hotel Development.

A year has passed and we have moved and moved and still we are at the Hotel Development. Any time of the year, you can find it here in the Pirog Street. This is a modern international hotel with a new modern logo.

The mind is tiffany-twisted, and the hotel got a Mercedes Benz and an Audi, and a lot of pretty, pretty girls. You may say that there are some pretty boys as well, but most of all there are very brave men that trust important tasks like unveiling the logo to a woman. Men sometimes get medals for their bravery. I'm sure these will as well.

Then the music started playing and we danced in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some danced to remember, some danced to forget. One called up the captain, please bring me more wine. The wine was plenty. He said, we haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine.

Now we have a new logo and we are an international hotel with international service and practices. Last night I dreamed that we got a new hotel manager called Basil. He brought with him a guy called Manuel. He was from Barcelona. It seemed he would fit well in administrative services. Could even be head of..

Last week was dedicated to local culture. An interesting history lecture confirmed the main trends of a previous blog post with only minor differences regarding the significance of battles.

The week was concluded with food, folk music, and dance and posing. The locals love posing for the photographer and we all did some posing to get a picture with a local flavour.

Welcome to the Hotel Development.
Such a lovely place.
Such a lovely face she had.
They’re living it up at the Hotel Development. What a nice surprise!

We have mirrors on the ceiling, and pink champagne on ice. It's hard to be an expat in Moscow.

However, some of us chose to leave. One of our friends left a couple of weeks ago and last week one of our French friends was checking out. It's hard to get and equally hard to cancel a work visa. Our friend had to come all the way from Stavanger to get his visa cancelled. He had a return flight the next day. They took his passport and told him this takes six days. As we are all just prisoners here, of our own device. And in the master’s chambers, they will gather for the FID.

I have to find the passage back to the place I was before.
Relax; said the night man, we are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Ladies and women

Why are Norwegian men treating women so badly?

According to the Russian professor speaking at the Week of Norwegian Culture most Norwegian women were dreaming of a well behaving and gentle Russian man.

A few of my sources doesn't necessarily agree with the professor.

By second taught, could she be right?

When did you last see a message as the one below in a Norwegian office on May 16th?

Уважаемые коллеги,

Мы рады сообщить, что сегодня 11 июня по решению Bacилий Hебезупречном, женская половина компании «Hебезупречных башен» может закончить свой рабочий день в 15:00.


* * *

Dear Colleagues,

Please be informed that today June 11th, by the decision of Mr. Basil Faulty, the working day of Faulty Tower's maids can be finished at 3 pm.


This gesture will allow working ladies and women to rush off to their grocery stores, load up with food and stuff for the Independence Day celebration and even get home to cook their husband's dinners so they don't have to wait when they arrive home tired from their long working days.

Why are not Norwegian ladies and women treated equally well? Why are they not allowed to go home early on May 16th to buy groceries, wine and other stuff for the celebration? Should we, Norwegian men, feel shame and guilt?

Some weeks ago I read in the Guardian (yes, yes, leftist, liberal newspaper) that, according to Amnesty, one Russian woman dies at the hands of her husband or partner every hour.

Last year there were more than 15,000 criminal cases in Russia against men accused of violent crimes against their wives. Some say this is the tip of the iceberg. Violence is considered "normal" and few women report it and even fewer cases make it to court.

This is all after love dies. Before it's quite different.

We see it on the bridges and on the Red Square. They come in the ugliest possible decorated limos. They drink sweet Russian champagne and are followed by film makers and photographers. Observing the whole lot is good entertainment. Imagine their hen and stag's parties! He often wears white shoes and a glossy white suit. Her dress is modelled after Stalin's seven sisters and guaranteed not fire proof. She doesn't have a glass shoe, but the heels are high and she feels like Cinderella. At least it looks like she feels like Cinderella. And girls, ladies, women and brave men, if you are out for something special to wear at the next "bad taste party", head for Izmaylovo, the market where you may think you've arrived in Asia and get yourself a Cinderella style wedding dress.

She often seems more mature and responsible. He looks like a pimpled teenager. You wonder where they are going to live and realize that it may well be with one or the others parents. You wonder why they look happy and realize that you are a cynical middle aged man.

March 8th have two very different meanings for me - one is a Men's Choir and the other the International Women's Day. The name of the first is probably a result of the other.

The current celebration of March 8th in many ways amazed me. This was another version of Valentine's Day and had nothing to do with the original International Women's Day. This had nothing to do with equal opportunities, salaries and rights. It was all about celebrating the big difference between ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys and men and women.

After the fall of the Soviet Union the influence and power of the Russian Orthodox Church has increased. An orthodox church is as it's name clearly tells not very liberal or not at all liberal. The Russian Orthodox Church dates back to around when the peasants from Nordland and Trøndelag killed Olav Haraldsson at Stiklestad and he became a Saint both in the Roman and Orthodox church.

Women played a role in riots and demonstrations in the French Revolution of 1789. They led the march from Paris to Versailles and forced Louis 16th to move to Paris and recognise a new constitution. They were not very visible at Eidsvold 1814, but but reappeared in Paris in the 1848 revolution, and during the Paris Commune of 1871, when thousands of women died on the barricades. If I ever had a favourite play, it was Nordahl Grieg's "Nederlaget". There is Gabrielle Langevin, the young teacher that decide to got out in front of all the women to stop the blod shed and later learns that there is no other option but to fight. She was probably executed at Père Lachaise.

Aleksandra Kollontai was part of the Bolshevik revolution in 1917. Her father was a general in the tsar's army.

Aleksandra has interesting connections to Norway. She is known for her ideas of revolutionary opposition and she was in fact in opposition both to Lenin and more dangerously Stalin, but she survived. After the revolution she became the head of the women's section of the Bolshevik party where she developed her ideas of free love as an alternative to families. She was not a member of the Orthodox Church.



Aleksandra was the world's first female ambassador when appointed ambassador to Norway in 1923. She was ambassador to Norway twice and had the very important role as ambassador to the Nazi friendly Sweden during World World II.

If you doubt read "Mein lieber Reichskanzler"!



So, then we are at World War II - The Great Patriotic War. Have you ever heard of Marina Raskova? Together with two other ladies, women or girls she set a world record for non-stop flying by women in 1938.

In 1941, when the Germans attacked, she was an air force major and a hero of the Soviet Union. She convinced Stalin to set up three all women or girls regiments - the 586th Women's Fighter Reg, the 587th Women's Day Bomber Reg and the 588th Women's Night Bomber Reg. Pilots, mechanics and ground staff, every one of them female. Thousands applied, the average age being 22, and most wanted to fly. These young girls are an interesting gang - twenty-three of 588th Night Bombers were awarded the Gold Star of the Hero of the Soviet Union, and they were the most highly decorated regiment in the entire Soviet Air Force. Each pilot flew at least 1,000 missions.



The girls were young as were their opponents. Erich Hartmann, the German No. 1 World War II fighter ace was 23 years when the war ended.



The history of Valentina Tereshkova may interest you. She was the first woman astronaut or more correctly the first female kosmonaut. Her background was from a female parachute club. Her father fell during the war and she had to quit school early and start working as a textile worker. She studied on her free time and became a member of the party (little P). All odds were against Valentina becoming the first woman in space, but she made it on June 16th 1963 on Vostok 6. The flights call name was Chaika (Seagull).

Chaika could be one or the other..

The famous car...



or the famous girl...............................................



She made 48 orbits before a safe landing.

Where does this bring us? Times are changing.

Russia (or SSSR) had the first;

female embassador
female fighter pilot regiment
female kosmonaut


Today's high heels and short skirts may confuse some of us.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

This is a fairytale

New ideas pops up in our corporate cancer part of the organization. Last week we had power consumption measurements and a fire drill. The fire drill was real good entertainment. In stead of keeping quiet or shut-up between announcements, the PA was playing Russian Rock.
The new developement in the power consumption message, is that we are not longer colleagues, but rabotniki (!!!)

Уважаемые работники

В связи с планируемым проведением замеров энергопотребления нашим «офисом» просим Вас 02.06.2009 года:

- работающих на 1-ом, 2-ом, 3-ем и 4-ом этажах в 15-00 до 16:30 включить: освещение в комнатах и кабинетах, кондиционеры воздуха и персональные компьютеры.

Начальник

Административно-хозяйственного управления

Dear hotel staff,

Due to scheduled power consumption measurements, please be advised to act as follows on June 2, 2009:

- For employees working on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th floors - from 15.00 to 16.30 switch on electric light, air conditioners, and PCs in all rooms.

Head of Corporate General Services Department


This is a history lesson. A week from now we will learn more during the Russian week. You are free to use all facts in this blog post in discussions with professors and others during the upcoming Russian week. However. I would appreciate discression regarding sources.

Many years ago a downtrodden and filthy tribe sat down and decided enough is enough. Some experts has later decided to call them Rus. A few years before they had thrown out their rulers as they were pissed by all the taxes that was forced down on them. Let's get some system, law and order back, they all said, Let's get 'em back. They elected to take a guy they called Rurik as their new ruler. Their language skills were not better then, and his real name was the Western (or Old) Nordic Hrårekr or Hårek in modern transcription. After the arrival of Hårek the area prospered and people paid their taxes with joy and enthusiasm. Hårek and his gang are best known for rape and plunder, but that were on their vacations. Normally they were hardworking law and order rulers and citizens.

Hårek's successor has been called Oleg. His real name was Helge (not Olav). He ruled at the same time as Harald Hårfagre and they probably knew each other. Probably not best buddy's, but had some respect. We don't know much about Helge. His successor Ivar (or Igor) was also one of Hårek's sons. Ivar took Kiev and later Konstantinopel while he was out plundering and collecting taxes. Some of Anders Lange's predecessors got hold of him and the story tells; "They had bent down two birch trees to the prince's feet and tied them to his legs; then they let the trees straighten again, thus tearing the prince's body apart." Ivar was married to Helga (also called Olga) and she revenged her husbands killers. She slaughtered, scalded and buried alive. She asked each household to present her with a dove as a gift, then tied burning papers to the legs of each dove and released them to fly back home. Each aviator set fire to the roof of their home and the homes was destroyed. As a scholar and a well educated person you probably already have guessed that Helga was the first Rus to convert to Christianity. Helga rules for her son Svend or Svein. He, however, remained a good pagan all his life. In newer books Svein has been called Sviatoslav. The reason could be his mother being influenced by the Greek priests and calling her son Sfendoslavos. The Greek as we all know never settle for a simple, manageable solution unless it's time for a nap.

Svein had three sons and Valdemar was the youngest. When their father died, the two oldest started fighting for power. Valdemar fled North to his relative Håkon Sigurdssøn, King of Norway, to get support. This happened in 977 and the year after he returned home with a good team of Viking warriors. One stronghold in Belarus was at that time called Paltjesborg (or Polotsk). Valdemar sent ambassadors ahead to Ragnvald (Rogvovlod) the ruler of Paltjesborg and asked for his daughter Ragnhild (Rogneda). The princess refused and Valdemar attacked, killed Ragnvald and took Ragnhild with him by force. History does not accuse him of taking her by force. Paltjesborg was a key fortress on the way to Kiev and later he took Smolensk well known by Napoleon and Hitler for both victory and defeat. In 980 Valdemar conquered Kiev and killed his oldest brother. He proclaimed himself konung of Kiev. This could be seen as the real start of Russia. As his grandmother he was baptized and later on he became a Saint(!). He had seven wives, some pagan and some Christian, and he had several hun dred concubines in Kiev and at his country estate. Valdemar collected taxes from a great area. One of his tax collectors was Sigurd Eirikson. On a travel to Estonia, he spotted a young slave boy, who did not appear to be a native. He asked the boy about his family, and the boy told him he was Olav, son of Tryggve Olavson and Astrid Eiriksdattir. Sigurd (Astrid's brother) bought Olaf and his friend Thorgils out from slavery, and took the boys with him to Novgorod to live under the protection of Valdemar. One day in the Novgorod marketplace Olaf encountered Klerkon, his enslaver and the murderer of his foster father. Olaf killed Klerkon with an axe blow to the head. Olav grew older and became head of Valdemar's guard, but after a couple years Olav decided to seek his fortune elsewhere. He started raiding the Baltic and later became King Olav I of Norway.




Ragnhild and Valdemar had a son called Jarleif (Jaroslav). The country prospered under his rule. He is pictured on the Russian 1000 rub note. He was married to Ingegerd Olofsdotter, a Swedish princess. Ingegerd was "engaged" to Olav II (Hellig Olav) of Norway, but her father didn't approve. Olav later married Ingegerd's half sister Astrid - an illegitimate daughter of the Swedish king. When Olav had to flee Norway he stayed with Jarleif and Ingegerd in Kiev before returning to Norway where he ended his life at Stiklestad. Olav was later canonized both in the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Church. There are no saints in Norway, but the highly respected title Ola Nordmann is named after Olav II.



One of his daughters, Elisabeth, married Harald III (Hardråde) of Norway. She followed him to Stamford Bridge - not for a football match, but for a battle. The ruling English king had enemies both to the North and South. He was waiting for an attack from France. Unfortunately the French could not sail up against the wind. They were waiting for wind from the South. Harald waited for the French to attack as well. His plan was challenge the winner of the first battle. Finally he decided not to wait any longer and set out against the Englishmen. Harald was killed and lost the battle. The winner normally takes it all. King Harold Godwinson - an English gentleman - let Elisabeth return to Norway with her dead husband and young son and daughter. She didn't become Elisabeth I of England - instead she died as a widow one year after. As you all know the wind turned to South East and the French crossed the Channel. An exhausted Harold Godwinson lost the battle of Hastings and the French took over England.

Elisabeth's daughter later became Queen of Denmark and Queen of Sweden.

Back home things were not particularly good. Her brothers oriented towards Greek monks and married women from the South. This led to a significant weakening of the Rus. After all Greek monks are quite different from Vikings from the North.

A nation will always focus on her brightest moments. Some people has made re-writing history an art. It has been said that Russian history has never been foreseeable, the future, however. is always bright.

In case of Stamford Bridge and Hastings, there were never a question on who won and who lost.

A famous "battle" took place in 1240. This was not anything like a battle by the Nordic standards. Alexander and a small, poorly equipped army were hiding in the bushes along the river Neva. A big, well equipped army led by Birger Jarl (founder of Stockholm) approached. Birger Jarl's task was to increase Swedish influence in the Baltic. Poor Aleksander was hiding in the bushed praying to God and all his Saints. The heavy armed Swedish army set out to cross the Neva on the ice. The ice broke under the army's feet setting courage in Aleksander's army. They came out from their hiding shouting and sending arrows towards the Swedes. Several Swedish soldiers drowned and one was lightly, but not life threatening hurt by an arrow. Aleksander himself became a hero. After all he had won a great victory over a big Swedish army and he is now called St. Aleksander Nevskiy. This is one of the most important victories in Russian history. You can argue if this was a victory or just some enemies with bad luck?

A real battle took place a few years before. Dsjengis Khan rose to power in 1206 and around 1220 he won a complete victory over the Kiev Rus. They called themselves "The Golden Horde" and they went to far-away places like Moscow, Suzdal and Vladimir. These times has often been described as the darkest in Russian history, but they were not. The Russian princes soon came to agreement with their Mongol rulers and started collecting taxes on behalf of their new masters. Trade prospered and so did the chambers of the princes. The Mongols ruled Russian for 250 years.

Ivan the Great was one of the tax collectors. In 1480 he informed Ahmed Khan that he had decided to stop the payment of taxes to the Mongols. Ahmed Khan marched against Ivan and Ivan was really frightened and lost all courage so brightly expressed days and weeks before. Ivan and Ahmed stood for a few days at each side of the Ugra river looking at each other. Suddenly a messenger rode up in a cloud of dust at the Mongolian side. Soon after Ahmed and "The Golden Horde" broke up their camp and headed East. Ahmed had learned from the messenger that his uncle the Great Khan has died and it was time for him to secure his interests. This incident is, believe it or not, described in Russian history as the victory in the battle at the river Ugra!

You can argue if descriptions of the victories at Neva and Ugra are willful false or just blindness from facts. We know the Rus had been mingling with Greek monks. The so called victories could be the result of payers and Gods will? To me, a simple minded amateur historian, this is not likely. I more see it as the start of a tradition of re-writing history setting the current ruler in the Superman position.

Ivan Groznyj is the last of Hårek's heritage to rule Russia. He killed his oldest son Ivan during a quarrel. Ilya Repin's picture in the old Tretyakov Gallery is hiding nothing and very dramatic and fascinating.




It is not possible to avoid Napoleon.

He took Moscow in a brilliant military maneuver and as George Bush he lost the peace. The Russian and French armies were fighting at Borodino. All neutral observers will say the French won. Napoleon marched into Moscow and established his quarter in Kreml waiting for the surrender. Tsar Aleksander was safe in his capital, Petersburg. He had in fact three excellent commanders, Barclay de Tolly from the Scottish Barclay clan, Prince Bagration - a Georgian from Dagestan, the excellent Russian general Tormasov and there were others.
Why didn't Napoleon head for Petersburg - the Capital? May be he had bad maps or limited education. Napoleon was sitting in Moscow, as arrogant as a French can be, waiting for someone to hand over the Golden Key of Moscow and some food - s'il vous plait. Nothing happened. Napoleon and his officers, poor arrogant French, waited for the noblesse of Moscow to show up with their daughters at the announced ball room dances. The young ladies were long gone to safety in the East. Moscow was put on fire. The only ones showing up at the dances was hungry, louse infected and sick prostitutes. On their retreat most soldiers did not die from war action or cold, but from louse infections.




The French won the battle of Borodino and lost some other battles. May be the Russian won one as well or may the the French was just tired of louse and bad food.

Tsar Aleksander is a fascinating caracter. He had an alliance with Napoleon and ended up with war. Aleksander showed as a firm tsar during the war. He participated in the Victory Parade in Paris. He seemed charming and well educated. Rumors say that he pretended dead and slipped away to Siberia where he lived for many years.

Histories going from man to man and sometimes man to woman are not easily controllable. The story about Aleksander going to Siberia is one of these stories. The photographic truth is more difficult...four....three...two...one...Stalin!